How to Teach Consent to Boys so They Remember
DEI parenting hacks for making sure your ‘consent’ message sinks in.
The #1 objective of this article is to help your son (or whomever) fully understand ‘consent’ so he remembers what it means.
The approach used here is to revisit his understanding of respect, then teach the concept of ‘boundaries,’ and finally, connect respect and boundaries so that ‘consent’ is as easy as possible for him to fully comprehend.
Basically, you want him to learn that consent is the same thing as respect.
The underlying context of this strategy is that while your son is young, consent can refer to anything in his world that’s important to him and deserves respect from other people.
As he grows, consent can and will apply to more mature subjects like treating girls/boys/anyone with respect. The big-picture goal is to raise a generation of boys who don’t even consider non-consensual sex as an option.
Remember that it’s so important to communicate the concept of ‘consent’ by framing your words into a two-way conversation instead of a one-way lecture.
The more he feels like he’s part of the conversation, and not being lectured, the more ownership he’ll feel for the subject matter. And the more ownership he feels, the likelier it is that he’ll be able to fully grasp and remember ‘consent.’
Start by making him feel good about himself. Give him a compliment by saying something like:
“I know you already know what respect is. You show respect all the time. I’m proud of that. Don’t think I don’t notice.“
Continue by saying:
“Respect includes things like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ It also includes things like holding doors for others, pulling out a chair at a dinner table, or helping someone carry a heavy load.“
Let him know that these are all examples of good manners, and not examples of helping incapable females. The important message to convey here is that your son shouldn’t think of these acts as chivalrous, but instead as human decency.
Hopefully, he’ll chime in here and add his own examples of respect. If not, and he looks like he’s tuning out, put the conversation on hold and try approaching it a different way another time.
If he does look engaged, continue your conversation by offering more examples of respect:
“Respect is asking permission to borrow something or letting someone finish speaking even if you already know the answer.“
Tailor your ideas to match activities in his life.
“Respect is not interrupting the teacher“ or “not borrowing someone’s Playstation controller without asking.“
Keep it simple. Talking about respect/consent with him on a level that he understands will greatly increase the odds that the concept sinks in. If you start throwing around terms like ‘sexual assault’ and ‘social injustice,’ he’s likely to tune out.
The goal here is purely to establish a foundation by helping him feel comfortable with the topic of ‘consent’ and encouraging him to contribute his own ideas at his own pace.
Keep the conversation going by defining respect together. Try to get him to expand on your examples. Then expand on his examples so it starts (or continues) to feel like a two-way conversation.
Here are some more ideas for defining respect together:
- Friends. Think of someone you both know who is respectful and talk about why they would be a good friend.
- Respect for belongings. This is a big issue for kids. If you’re having a hard time getting things started, you could try to use this subject to get a response.
- Media. Watch a TV show together and point out examples of respect/disrespect and why. Do the same thing when you are out doing errands together (store clerks? parking etiquette? check-out line?).
- Play a game. Ask your son to come up with three compliments he might give to his sister (or whomever). Let him think about it before he comes up with an answer. If he can’t come up with three, help him by giving hints about what she does and how it benefits who she is.
Try this same game whenever you encounter a girl when you are out together. For example, if you come across a female checker at the grocery store, get him to think of three admirable things about her: 1. works hard 2. kind 3. positive attitude.
The goal of this game is to get him to think about girls/women in positive terms and recognize that even though everyone is different, we all deserve respect. Try to make sure he has a good foundation for understanding respect before going on to the next step.
Recognizing boundaries, both physical and emotional, is an important life skill that your son should learn. The goal is to explain the concept of boundaries so that the definition is memorable.
Depending on your son’s age and maturity level, here are some words/concepts you could use to explain boundaries:
“We all have a thing around us called a boundary, which is an invisible line between ourselves and other people. It’s like a force field. You can’t see it but it’s there.“ (if your son is into ‘Star Trek,’ you can tell him it’s like the one that protects the earth). “Boundaries are there to protect us from the people who make us feel bad to be around.“
(Note: If needed, you can Google the words ‘force field’ followed by whatever your son is into. If he’s into sports, Google ‘force field sports’ for ideas about explaining it in relation to something that interests him.)
“Just as important as knowing that you are in charge of your own force field, you need to know that you should never try to invade someone else’s force field.
For example, you already know that interrupting is disrespectful. When you interrupt someone, you are invading their force field and that’s not right.
Same with hitting someone or stealing from them. We don’t do it because invading other people’s force field (boundary) is disrespectful.“
Try to remember that the best way to get your message across is to guide, not lecture. Kids learn much more efficiently when they feel like they’ve arrived at a decision on their own, instead of believing something because that’s what they’ve been told to believe.
Help him reach his own conclusions by providing ‘breadcrumbs’ for him to follow (just like the ‘force field’ example). Let him add his thoughts to whatever metaphor you use.
Now it’s time to start connecting ‘respect’ and ‘boundaries’ with ‘consent.’ This part of the process is fundamental to helping your son fully understand ‘consent.’ You can start by giving a simple definition of the word ‘consent.’
“No means no. Silence also means no. And even maybe means no. Only yes means yes.“
Depending on his age, you can use the question/answer scenario below as a baseline — use your own judgement for age-appropriate examples (e.g., change Kyle’s name? swap Playstation (or any game) controller with your one of your son’s treasured belongings? etc.)
In each of the sample question and answers (or your own version), ask your son if consent was given. Again, depending on his age, it’s up to you how repetitive to make the dialogue.
Question 1: You took Kyle’s Playstation controller without asking. Did you have consent?
Answer 1: No
Question 2: You took Kyle’s Playstation controller. Kyle saw you do it but he didn’t say anything. Did you have consent?
Answer 2: No
Question 3: You took Kyle’s Playstation controller and asked if it was okay. Kyle said “Well I guess maybe. I’m not sure.” Did you have consent?
Answer 3: No
Question 4: You took Kyle’s Playstation controller and asked if it was okay. Kyle told you that yes it was okay. Did you have consent?
Answer 4: Yes
The goal here is to get your son to understand that the only time it was okay to take Kyle’s Playstation controller was when he explicitly said yes.
Consent goes both ways. Helping him understand how consent affects him will make it much easier for him to apply the same principle to others.
Question 1: Kyle took your Playstation controller without asking. Did Kyle have consent?
Answer 1: No
Question 2: Kyle took your Playstation controller. You saw him do it but you didn’t say anything. Did Kyle have consent?
Answer 2: No
Question 3: Kyle took your Playstation controller and asked if it was okay. You said “Well I guess maybe. I’m not sure.” Did Kyle have consent?
Answer 3: No
Question 4: Kyle took your Playstation controller and asked if it was okay. You told him that yes it was okay. Did Kyle have consent?
Answer 4: Yes
Talk about why the answers are the same whether he or Kyle was the one giving consent.
Reiterate your simple definition of the word consent.
“No means no. Silence also means no. And even maybe means no. Only yes means yes.“
Additionally, one of the times that kids listen and learn the most intensely is when they overhear conversations (on the phone or in person) between their parent/caregiver and someone else. Make a point about the importance of consent, respect, and boundaries when you’re talking to someone else and you know your son is listening.
This might sound sneaky and it probably is. But it’s also an extremely effective option for driving home your thoughts about consent without risking losing his attention by making him feel like he’s being lectured. (He’ll feel more ownership of the subject because he’s the one doing the eavesdropping.)
One of the best ways for your son to learn how to be respectful is by watching the most consistent authority figure in his life. Kids learn more from what you do than from what you say.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do to give him someone whom he loves and trusts (you!) to mimic:
- Keep your cool. Instead of yelling, ‘Don’t you say that to me, it’s disrespectful!’ Calmly respond to his misbehavior with words like ‘You know, we don’t talk to each other like that in our family. We treat each other with respect.’
- Practice kind and firm discipline. Discipline means to teach or to train, not to punish. It’s not about shaming him. Discipline is a lot more effective and longer-lasting when not using punitive strategies. Teaching respect and using disrespectful discipline are mutually exclusive.
- Reiterate that everyone is different. When children’s differences are accepted, they feel heard and respected. If he has a different way of doing things, respect that difference by saying things like ‘I’ve never seen anyone do it that way before, but I like it!’ Say ‘everybody’s different’ every opportunity you get.
- Don’t be disrespectful of others. Children are master observers. If you’re sarcastic, dismissive, and talk behind others’ backs, he’ll try out that kind of behavior soon enough. If he thinks it’s okay to be disrespectful of others, he’ll mimic your behavior
- Model positive personal ethics. Whether it’s obvious or not, he’s watching you. He’s watching and listening to things like whether you pay your bills on time, if you help others, if you’re generous with tips when the waiter/waitress does a good job, and if you participate in charitable giving.
- Say you’re sorry if you screw up. A mature, respectful adult accepts responsibility and apologizes when they make a mistake. Let him see and hear you apologizing if you’re wrong.
- Share your own story. This will help him feel like you’re accessible and that he has a starting point for a conversation about respect. For example, if it’s feels okay to him, he might say something like ‘Remember when you told me xyz, well something similar happened to me and I need your opinion.’
- Respect your partner. If it’s a two-parent household, show respect to your partner. This will go a long way towards setting an example of how two people should treat each other. Remember he’s watching you.
- Be a good listener. Give him your undivided attention when he is speaking to you. Listening to others’ opinions without retaliation is an integral part of learning how to respect others.
- Be trustworthy. Don’t divulge (to others) the heartfelt feelings and experiences that he shares with you; show him that you can be a trusted adult who cares deeply about his feelings.
Granted, the modeling suggestions above are extremely hard to accomplish, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment. But if you can at least strive to accomplish some of the suggestions, your son will be better off. It will help him define ‘respect’ in his own head and will also help him recognize when disrespect is occurring.
Explaining consent is not a once-and-done conversation. Issues will come up all the time that he (hopefully) feels comfortable sharing with you. Keep guiding him toward fairness and explain why each situation that he brings up is either fair or not fair.
Make ‘consent’ a daily value. It can be as simple as asking, “May I please use your comb?” and being accepting of the response.
As most parents know, getting a concept to sink in with kids needs to be repeated over and over again. Talking about respect, boundaries, and consent repeatedly might feel like overkill to you, but it (hopefully) doesn’t to him.
There will be times when he wants to talk to you, like when you’re working, reading, or talking with someone else, that aren’t convenient.
Either make the time for him right then or ask him to remember his thoughts so he can share later.
Depending on his attention span, who knows when you will say or model the right words and actions at the right time. Keep trying.
Keep in mind that there will be teachable moments for years to come. Look for unexpected opportunities to chat with him about how the movement toward gender equality is affecting his life.
The good news is that the decisions he makes as he grows through adolescence and into early adulthood will be informed by his understanding of what you teach him about consent.
Originally published at https://www.deiforparents.com
