Answering Kids’ Questions about the LGBTQ Community

​First, this article provides information for LGBTQ questions and answers that kids often ask about other people. There are lots of wonderful resources for helping you answer questions your child might have about their own sexuality ( PFLAG is a smart place to start).

Back to this article…

It’s inevitable that your child will ask questions about what they see and hear. The more accepting our society becomes toward the LGBTQ community, the more questions will come up. It’s actually a good thing.

​Children learn about the world around them by asking questions. The most important part of the process is making sure they get answers from trustworthy, informed adults and not from myths and stereotypes.

Be prepared to field questions at potentially embarrassing moments. As we all know, kids are unpredictable, and often ask embarrassing questions in public.

Whether they use ‘gay’ as a putdown, want to know what ‘lesbian’ means, or ask why a friend has two mommies, you’ll probably be a lot happier with your answer if you practice first (and a whole lot less likely to pretend you didn’t hear the question).

Answer hard questions with simple answers

​Evading difficult questions about important subjects like LGBTQ equality, gives your child the impression that there’s something inherently evil about the subject and it shouldn’t be talked about. Instead, discuss LGBTQ equality proactively to send a message to your child that LGBTQ topics are not shameful.

Try to look as comfortable as possible during this exchange as if you’re discussing the grocery list. Even if you’re not comfortable, fake it. If you’re anxious, your child will read into it and assume there’s something wrong with talking about LGBTQ people.

Aim for an open, educational tone. Your attitude shapes theirs. If you don’t know the answer to the question, be honest and admit that you don’t know. Google it together.

Just as important as ‘not dodging hard questions’ is providing answers that are simple. Kids learn by processing the information we give them. The simpler the answer to their question, the easier it is for them to process the information.

They don’t need any information beyond what they’re specifically asking. So if your child asks “can two girls get married,” the only response you need to provide is “yes it’s finally legal for two women to marry each other.” You don’t need to offer any further explanation.

Teachable moments are perfect for offering simple, direct answers. From song lyrics to TV to meeting people in the community, there are lots of chances to start a conversation about equality. Teachable opportunities can also take the pressure off both kids and parents because part of the focus is on the event itself and not fully on the conversation. For example, if your child sees two boys kissing on a television show for example, that’s a great teachable moment to reinforce that “love is love.”
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Teachable moments are great, but sometimes life isn’t that predictable and we’re suddenly tasked with answering an unpredictable question from an inquisitive child in an uncomfortable situation.

Sample LGBTQ questions and answers

LGBTQ issues in particular seem to provoke lots of awkward questions from curious young minds. A smart general rule for answering these questions is to keep your answer simple and focus on love and family.

​While the questions/comments and suggested sample answers below are by no means exhaustive, they’ll hopefully provide a good starting point for responding to the inevitable questions and statements that most kids come up with.

• “What does LGBTQ stand for?”

“The LGBTQ acronym is defined like this:

L is for ‘lesbian’ which is romantic love between two women
G is for ‘gay’ which is romantic love between two men
B is for ‘bisexual’ which is when someone has romantic love for both men and women
T is for ‘transgender’ which is when someone transitions from one gender to another.
​Q is for ‘questioning’ which is when someone understands that they are not heterosexual.”

• “Grandma says it’s bad to have two moms. Is that true?”

“Grandma isn’t the only one who has that opinion. LGBTQ acceptance in mainstream society was only truly accepted a few years ago. That’s why previous generations, including Grandma’s, are still doubtful. The most important thing to remember is that in this home, we respect ALL families.”

• “Are LQBTQ families, real families?”

“Yes LGBTQ families are real families. Not all families look the same. Some families have different cultural traditions, religions, and values, some have one parent instead of two, or grandparents instead of parents, or two moms or two dads. Just because a family might look different from ours, they love each other just as much as we love each other.”

• “How is it possible for two men to have a baby? Don’t you need a man and a woman?”

“There are many different ways to become a parent. Some people get help from other people to carry the baby. Some people adopt babies. And sometimes two men will be parents together because one of the men was married to a woman before and had children with her.”

• “Can animals be gay?”

“Yes, animals can be gay. There are some animals that are attracted to others of the same gender. For example, rams, penguins, and Japanese monkeys can be attracted to members of their own gender.”

• “Why do gay and lesbian people have rainbow flags or rainbow stickers? What does it mean?”

“The rainbow flag and rainbow stickers show support for LGBT people. Anyone can use them to show support — you don’t necessarily have to be a member of the LGBTQ community.

• “What’s a ‘dyke’?”

“The word ‘dyke’ is a slang term for ‘lesbian.’ It’s often used by someone who is trying to be mean. Sometimes people use this word to tease a girl who acts tough or who stands up for herself. Sometimes people use this word to insult two girls who like each other a lot regardless of whether or not they’re lesbians. It’s never okay to use the word ‘dyke’ negatively. It hurts people’s feelings.”

• “If girls play sports or if boys play with dolls, does that mean they’re gay?”

“No, it does not mean they’re gay. Some girls are naturally active and enjoy sports. Some boys like to play quietly.”

• “Do gay men and lesbians have kids?”

Yes, many LGBTQ families are raising children.

• “Will I be gay if I play with someone who has two moms or two dads?

“No. You’ll always be who you are, no matter what. Being gay or straight is something that’s inside you. No one else can put it there.”

• “What is homophobia?”

“Homophobia is hatred of gay or lesbian people. Some people are extremely homophobic and express their hatred by bullying and even physically harming gays and lesbians.”

• “That’s so gay!”

“The word ‘gay’ actually means special love between two men or between two women. There’s nothing wrong with ‘gay’ love, and ‘gay’ should never be used to describe anything other than what it means.”

Follow up!

Many questions and concerns can and should come up as your child weaves their way through life. Let them know, regularly, that they can come to you anytime. Keep learning so you can keep giving them accurate answers.

If it’s important to them, it’s important to you. Look them in the eyes when you say this.

Discussing LGBTQ equality is not a formal, once-and-done conversation. Keep the conversation going as the weeks unfold after your child asks a question. ​Encourage your child to keep asking questions.

The values you teach your child will be much more impactful if your discussions are casual and continual. Integrate as many ongoing, casual conversations as you can into your shared family experiences.

Originally published at https://www.deiforparents.com